Grateful to be

Another year older















Growing up, my friend's mom would never own up to her age. She just kept turning 18 every year. I asked her once what was so shameful about getting old, and she told me that we live in a society that values youth and beauty. It's sad that she's right, especially since most of us spend so little of our lives in both categories simultaneously. At least according the the world's standards. The Mr. tells me that I just keep getting prettier and prettier. You know what the funny thing is? I think he actually believes it.

When people talk about being in the 'prime of your life', they generally refer to somewhere between the late teens and early thirties. I say it would be a pretty sad thing if that were true! Physically? Maybe. Mentally? Probably. But where it really counts? Not even close, I sure hope. In my little world, life just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. Life is harder now than it use to be, it's true. I have more responsibility, less time, and I feel like I can never get ahead in some regards. But I am happier than ever, at a deeper level than I use to be.

The more I come to truly know myself, the more I come to know others and feel real love for them, the more alive I feel. The longer I live, the more I learn; the more bonds I create with others. If a husband and two children bring me this much joy, how much happier will I be when I have four children? Six? Fourteen?...Okay, I'm kidding about that last one. The day that I become a grandma, I expect to feel like the luckiest person in the world.

The rest of my life is filled with opportunities to love. I hope that when I am 80 I can say that I am in the prime of my life. Until I'm 81, at least, and I realize what I've been missing.

Today I am 28, and I choose to wear it like a badge of honor. Until I can trade it in for an upgrade next year.


28 Reasons I'm grateful to be Alive

1. Isaac. What would my life be like without that little rascal? Calmer, that is for sure; cleaner, I think. Less stressful, maybe. A lot more boring for sure. A lot less fun and full of joy and laughter. Man I love that kid.

2. Adam. We are sure thrilled that he's a part of our family. What a sweet little boy!

3. Edward. I couldn't ask for a better husband. Really.

4. Family. It has been really fun to be so close to so many family members.

5. Financial Security. I think I will always be stressed out about money--even when we're billionaires. But in all reality we have been immensely blessed to have all of our needs met.

6. Friends. We are loving our new neighborhood and ward. So many people have reached out to us, and I'm actually having fun here.

7. As of the 14th, I have accomplished my 6 months without chocolate goal. Go me, I say. Thank you Ed, I say. It is a giant of a man indeed who will commit to such madness for the love of his wife.

8. Exercise. So much cheaper than anti-depressants. So much more enjoyable than dieting.

9. The most AMAZING news that my dear old friend Delbert has decided to come back to church after probably 50 years away.

10. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.

11. Horseback riding.

12. Volleyball.

13. General Conference is coming up again.

14. Hand-me-downs.

15. My Mom. I'm not kidding--if you want to paint a bright spot on your soul, go spend some time with her. I've never met someone so selfless and caring. And it's okay--you can call her Mom, too. You wouldn't be the first.

16. Women.

17. Priesthood blessings.

18. The fact that kids take naps.

19. Cilantro

20. The beauty of nature. Seriously, think about it. Why did God put flowers on the earth? Do they serve any purpose besides just being lovely and lifting the spirits? That was awfully nice of Him to do.

21. Cool bed sheets.

22. The written word.

23. Good days when I can stay happy even if things go wrong.

24. Music. Ah, music is a wonderful thing.

25. Melted cheese. Oh, yeah.

26. Thunder storms.

27. Animals.

28. Eternal life.

Some things I am looking forward to accomplishing this year:

Go on a cruise

Can peaches, pears, and applesauce

Run a half marathon

Do a triathlon

Potty train the Bug (yikes!)

Sing in church

Sew a cute dress

Do 8 pull-ups in a row

Horseback ride

Meet our goals for paying down our mortgage

It's a secret...

Grow my hair out (pretty sure I'm always doing this one)

Love your life!

SBB

Birth Story

**If you're not one for details, just read the bold paragraph. That pretty much sums it up.

Preface
When i was pregnant with Isaac I took a Hypnobirthing class. The basic idea is that if you relax your body and learn to work with it, you can eliminate pain from childbirth. I have always wanted to birth naturally. I'm sure this is partly due to the fact that my mom had all six of her children naturally and we women tend to favor doing things the way our mothers did. Other reasons included the negative affect medicine could have on the baby as well as wanting better bonding with an alert baby and mom, and easier recovery. Maybe I'm just a little crazy and I like a challenge, but point being, it's something I've always felt strongly about. And, I am proud to say, even with my stingy, tight-wadded, budget-happy personality, the insane cost of an epidural was not among my initial reasoning to go without. That said...

Last Time
After 14 hours of labor with Isaac, I got an epidural at the suggestion of my Doctor. He didn't push me to do it at all, and while I would have liked to go natural, I don't regret getting it, especially since I pushed for three hours. Now I'm sure that part of the reason it took three hours had to do with the fact that he was my first, but I am also convinced that I had to push longer because I couldn't feel a darn thing. They'd say push, and I would just squeeze whatever felt like it might be the right thing to squeeze if I could feel what I were squeezing. I was surprised how sore and swollen (and torn) I was afterwords. I also experienced some swelling during my second trimester of this last pregnancy that I believe came from pushing for so long last time.

I walked away from that delivery a little disappointed. A lot of the things I wanted to happen did not. But, it was a first time experience, and it prepared me a lot for my second delivery. My big fear was that, having said yes to an epidural once, I would not have the courage to go without the next time.

This Time
Because of the Gestational Diabetes, my doctor wanted to induce me a week early. This is protocol due to an unexplained higher death rate in G.D. babies the last week of gestation. I imagine it also has to do with the fact that G.D. babies are usually significantly larger than normal. I told my doctor that I would like to go into labor naturally. He agreed to let me go full term since my Diabetes was well managed, as long as there weren't any complications. I love my doctor, and I'm sad to be so far away from him now. He knows I take care of myself, and he gives me a lot of control in my care.

Saturday evening my contractions started feeling a lot less braxton hickish and a lot more labor painy. I timed them, but they weren't consistent. They were generally less than 10 minutes apart, but varied quite a bit. They were definitely getting stronger, though. I had a feeling we would be going to the hospital in the next 24 hours. I woke up at 2 in the morning, because, though scarce, the contractions were too strong to sleep through. I walked around the house, had a bowl of cereal (naughty), and wrote a letter to the Mr. for Father's Day. I hoped that moving around would speed up the contractions, but it seemed to have the opposite effect so I went back to bed after about an hour.

In the morning I started getting ready for the day, debating whether I was going to make it to church or not. I wanted to, but I thought I might make a scene in Relief Society if my contractions started getting closer. I took a shower, made breakfast for the Mr., and baked some cookies while he timed contractions. He would roll me the exercise ball when it was about time for another one so I could lean against it. Around 10am the contractions started coming about 5 minutes apart (Now, mind you, with Isaac I had had strong contractions 5 min apart for over 12 hours. I went to the hospital about 3 hours into it and I was dilated to a 1). Ed started loading the car while I laid on the couch and the Bug played with his cars like a champ.

We left around 11, dropped Isaac off to Grandma mid-way, and arrived at the hospital at about noon. Thank goodness they had a wheelchair waiting. I needed it. I was dilated to a 7 when we got there. I never even had time to hop in the tub (okay, at this stage, I probably would have plopped more than hopped). The doctor came, and an hour and a half later our sweet little boy was laying on my chest.


Having a baby hurts. Like, a lot. I kinda screamed. And by kinda I mean I really screamed and it was pretty embarassing. I was thinking 'I hope these walls are soundproof; I've got to be scaring people out in the halls.' The nurses at the nurses station must have been thinking: Hello! We have something for that--it's called an epidural. Get one! I also may or may not have said things like: "Get him out!" "Am I having a cow or a baby?" and "owie, owie, owie!" Yeah, never thought I would say those things. At one point the doctor told me he could see the head. I said 'you mean he isn't out yet???'

Everyone was so great. Ed was an awesome coach, and he helped me remember to breath and relax through the contractions. I didn't have the mental capacity to think about that, but when he reminded me I could, and it made a huge difference. I labored on my hands and knees, another thing I didn't expect, but that's where it felt the best when I started, and I didn't want to move after that. I kind of think it was nice, because all I could see were the sheets. I didn't even know who was in the room. If I could have seen them, it might have been a lot more distracting/distressing.

When Adam's head came out he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. They had to cut that off before they could get him the rest of the way out. I guess he was pretty purple. 8lbs. 7.6oz, 21 inches long. His head was above the 90th percentile. A big boy, they kept telling me. 8 1/2 pounds sounded pretty good to me; I knew he could have been 10, and I didn't want to push that out.


My recovery has been awesome. I feel great, and it has been so nice to have Ed home with us. It is amazing that after less than a week I am already starting to forget how bad it was. I swore to myself in the thick of it that I wouldn't do it again (naturally, I mean--it wasn't so bad that I was ready to swear off of kids all together :), but already I'm not so sure. It was so fast, and I am so grateful. I felt a sort of spiritual strength helping me get through. In fact, I had a really neat experience during labor that in and of itself would have made it all worth it.


So if asked, from a moral standpoint, if I think women should have their children naturally, I would say: heck yes. And, heck no. Before I really thought that natural is better. Now, having seen both sides of the coin, I have to say that I see the beauty of both. I may go natural again. I may have all of my babies naturally. But, I will no longer feel "guilty" if I choose to have an epidural. Childbirth is hard. It is really hard. And, like my sister-in-law always says, what do I get for going natural? A star on my forehead? No thanks.

Adam is perfect. He is beautiful and healthy. I feel so blessed that he has joined our family. There is no doubt in my mind that he is more than just a compilation of chromosomes and DNA. He has a spirit, and he was not created at conception. I am so excited to see what this little boy becomes.


SBB

He's Here!!!

Introducing:

Adam Bennett Packer

Can you imagine what I'm grateful for this week?


So, so many things...

-An awesome mom, who took care of the Bug while we were in the hospital.

-Friendly staff and a great doctor who lets me do about whatever I want.

-Gestational Diabetes that is starting to go AWAY!!

-A natural birth. I really, really wanted to go naturally, and I'm really grateful that I had the opportunity.


-A super supportive husband who also lets me do whatever I want, even if it makes life a little harder for him.

-The human body. It is amazing.

-A resilient little Bug who is handling his new sibling better than could be expected. He really loves him, and it is so cute to watch. He loves to put his head on top of Adam's. It's hard to tell him he needs to be more gentle when he's being so sweet.

-Supportive family and friends.

-The Mr's job. We get a whole week with him at home while we all adjust to real life again.

-The fact that I am somehow functioning on way less sleep than usual.

-And, of course, I am thankful for my new little man. He is so precious and we are so grateful that he is a healthy, happy little baby. There is nothing like having a warm, sweet smelling little bundle sleeping on your chest. Absolutely nothing.



SBB


I'll post more about the birth in a few days for those who enjoy that sort of thing.

39 Weeks

Here's to baby coming soon!

SBB

The Little (and Big) Things

This week I am thankful for:

My mom. She has helped so much with The Bug while I go to my multitude of Dr.'s appointments the past few months. Most of the people who read this blog know her, and subsequently know she is a saint. Thanks Mom!

A budget. Not only do I enjoy doing it (I know, I'm weird), it provides such a sense of security to know we have more coming in than going out every month.

Sunny days, when they happen.

Garage sales and KSL. Lifesavers.

Nice face, Bug.

Running. Oh, I can't wait to go running again! Only a few more weeks...

Speaking of weeks, I'm grateful that there are (potentially) less than three until we get to meet goober #2 and I can bend, twist, and jump again.

An amazing husband who secretly planned a night out to see Les Mis months ago! What a stud. (One day I will be a true blogger and actually remember to take pictures when we do cool things)

Three day weekends.

My awesome family.

MOAB! I've never been. What better time to go than at 9 months pregnant? No worries, we had a trial run last weekend to make sure I could do something fun while we're down there. Super excited for the trip, and to see our friends.

36 1/2 weeks.

6 miles--I consider it a success.
We'll see how I fair on an incline in Moab.



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So So Much

I have been feeling so overwhelmingly blessed lately. In every aspect of our lives, we have so much.

I look at my little boy every day and wonder how I can preserve the love that I feel for him. He brings a happiness and a wholeness into my life that heals me. I can't believe how compliant he has been lately. Any time I ask him to do something (well, usually I'm asking him to stop doing something), he replies with an enthusiastic and resounding "O-kay!"

We are surrounded by people who are so eager to help and to serve. The other morning my upstairs neighbor asked if the Bug could come play, right when I thought I was going to die from lack of energy. I slept for two hours. It was such a blessing! Literally an answer to prayer.

I have felt so good during this pregnancy. I know many people who have a really hard time when they are pregnant. With all the complications I could have had, to date, both the baby and I are doing fantastic.

Among other things, I am also grateful for:

Tickling. I know that sounds funny, and maybe even a little off. But seriously, how great is it that we are ticklish? I can get an instant giggle from the Bug almost anytime by catching him in just the right spot. That's one of those things that God didn't have to give us, but he did. Like flowers. And rainbows. And about a zillion other things.

Singing. So grateful for singing. Those Gregorian monks had no idea what a trend they were starting.

The sun. I can't believe how much the sunshine lifts my spirits and brings happiness and optimism into my life. I have missed the sun.

Blessings poured out so abundantly on our family that there is hardly "room enough to receive" them.

**My apologies for the lack of pictures. The Bug looked so cute today in his little summer shorts. I meant to take a picture. It never happened.


SBB

Again, Again!

Today I am grateful for live-over days.

We had one a few weekends ago.

Bike ride in the morning, picnic at the park.

I don't know how it got locked into my psyche, but for me a family bike ride is one of the best things in the world. The weather was beautiful, we were in motion, we were together, it was a great day.


SBB

For Beth

Sick and Wrong

8 months pregnant

The Countdown

I can't believe we are less than 8 weeks from this baby's due date.

Time has been going so fast lately. I thought that once we moved it would slow down--smaller space, away from my friends...it hasn't. Every Sunday the Mr. and I look at each other and say 'is it really time to go to church again?' The days just come and go like it's nothing.

I have spent a lot of time preparing for the birth of this baby. What I have not spent time preparing for is every second after that. I try to envision having two little ones; how it's going to be with a new baby now that the Bug is in the picture. I have a feeling my whole world is about to turn upside-down. Of course, this happened when the Bug was born as well. I imagine going from one to two isn't as big a shift as from none to one.

Life is certainly different than my childless days. And I'm not complaining. I would never, ever go back. I read an article in the newspaper a few months ago that said that some studies show that children add to an individual's unhappiness. I was so angry that anyone would ever promote that idea. Children make life worth living.


Yes, I am tied down. Yes, I am more limited in my choice of activities and entertainment. But really, I would rather have purpose than all the fun in the world. Everything I was able to do before was just a distraction--a way to fill the void of what I didn't have yet until I had it. And to be honest, the fun that I get to have now is exponentially more enjoyable than before, because it has depth to it. I get to be with the people I love. Life is so much more fulfilling now than before.


Sometimes I get a little selfish and I worry about my 'routine' and how I'll keep my house clean and how I'll get my exercise in, and all the little things that keep me feeling human. I wonder how I will discipline a feisty two year old when I'm tied to the couch nursing a baby, and if I can keep my cool and manage my temper. I wonder if I will be able to give the Bug the love and attention that I want to give him when there is another little bundle to love and take care of, with seemingly more urgent needs.



And then I remember that billions of other women have done the same thing. They survived. Their children survived. Some of them even did well.

I am excited to meet this little tornado that has been living inside of me for so long. I can't wait to be able to look at him and feel his soft, soft skin. I am excited for the Bug to be a big brother. I am happy that our little family is growing. I hope that I am up to the challenge. I know that there are going to be long periods of readjusting for all of us. If it is anything like last time, there will be some very blue days ahead for me. Perhaps months worth of them. But they pass. They always pass, and they make the happy days priceless treasures.

So even though I may never feel like I'm on top of the latest mess or project and that I'll never be completely ready for this baby to come, I'm glad that the time is flying and that this baby will be here sooner than I can believe. This is going to be a great summer!

Isaac Forrest Jan 2009

SBB

It's that Time Again

The Bug's first egg-dying experience. We managed to crack almost every one.

Can it really be Thursday again? I cannot believe how fast time has been flying lately.

Today I am thankful for:

Books. Right now I'm especially grateful for 'Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,' 'Elmo's First Day of School', and the Scriptures, as well as the several books that are helping me prep for childbirth round 2.

My Wheat Grinder. I tried using a manual grinder the other day just to see how effective it was. Holy cow, I'm grateful for my electric one!

Energy. I am so grateful that I had all the energy I did during my second trimester. I have been seriously dragging the last few mornings!

Listening for the "fizzies" to stop


Tell me he doesn't look like my brother Matthew when he was little.

My Bug. I'm sure you get sick of reading this. But seriously, I about can't get enough of this little guy lately. He is so much fun, and he has such a happy disposition. As crazy as it sounds, he can be pretty obedient, too. I am loving how well he is starting to play by himself. He makes the funnest sound effects. Lately my favorite phrase of his is 'oh, yes.'

Jesus Christ. The Mr. and I are speaking in church this Sunday, and it has given me an opportunity to really study about and ponder the Atonement and Resurrection. It is all so incomprehensible to me. I don't think I'll ever understand, but I am so, so grateful. Life would have little meaning to me without the blessings brought by His actions.

Happy Easter!

SBB

I am Grateful

I am Grateful

For

-Benefits. I am so glad that The Mr.'s work is paying for movers! What a blessing.

-A sense of humor, and a quirky little kid that demands it.

Cooling off Daddy's muffins. Isaac decided to make sure they weren't poisoned. Nope, they're safe. All of them.

-People who inspire me. Meekness, charity, and humility are traits that I greatly admire. And seriously lack.

-A healthy pregnancy.

-Guardian angels. Every once in awhile I realize how many things could go horribly wrong in my life, and don't.

-Kizzy finding a good home. It breaks my heart when the Bug asks where she is, and then says "Tiddy. Don." (Kizzy, gone), but I'm also grateful that he's not old enough to really get it yet.

Just before saying goodbye

-Continual learning & progression.

Happy Thursday!


SBB

Right this second

I am grateful for...


LITTLE BOYS!


Good thing, since I have a hunch we're going to have an army of them.



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Belated Thanks

I'm going to count 4:14 in the morning on Friday as Thursday, okay? So, in my distorted (and sleep-deprived) reality, this is my totally on-time Thankful Thursday post.

This morning, I am thankful for:

Hair products and makeup. Sometimes it's nice to remind yourself that you're a woman. And pretty.

Answers to prayers. A lot of times the Lord's tender mercies are little everyday things. Sometimes they are really big. This one has been a few months in coming. We never doubted that He would take care of us, and once again, as always, He has.

Relaxation and exercise.

Insomnia. Wait, no, not grateful for that one. Sorry, wrong list :)

Yummy, healthy food (see next Monday's post).

My Bug, my happiness.


Happy Thurs-Friday!


SBB

It's a bird, it's a plane...

It's a baby!

Gracing us with his or her presence come June