What I'm trying

So I had a friend suggest I try an all natural shampoo to see if the hair pulling is triggered/magnified by a sensitivity to oils used in commercial shampoos. My sister-in-law has been using a simple make-at-home shampoo, so I thought I'd try it out. It's suppose to restore the natural balance to your hair. My scalp is pretty dry, so I figured I'd give it a try. It's a long shot, but hey--it's a free one, and it certainly won't hurt anything. Here is the website if you want to give it a try:

http://www.naturemoms.com/no-shampoo-alternative.html

It's just baking soda and apple cider vinegar; super easy. I tried it this morning. I'll let you know how it goes.

Trich Resources

Sorry, this is more for me than anyone else. I haven't posted about trich in a long time. Not much has changed--I'm still pulling and always looking for ways to be better. Here are some resources I want to have available:

OCD Center of L.A.

Blog post on Trich



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Letter to The Mr.

Dear The Mr:

I miss you. The Bug does too. Remember how you left (well) before the sun came up yesterday and came home after it had gone down? The Bug wouldn't have seen you at all if we hadn't been naughty about his bedtime. I have not been a very patient mommy. I'm a little stressed out about all the decisions we have to make right now, and even more worried about the things we can't control. My head is missing a few extra hairs to be sure.

Thanks for working so hard for our family. I know this is stressful for you, too. We'll just have to pray harder. Some day soon a nice young family is going to come along and realize that this is the home of their dreams. Then we can find the home of our dreams, conveniently located at least an hour closer to your work. In the meantime we will make the best of things. We look forward to being able to see you again--the Bug is in need of a good wrestle.

Sincerely,

The Wifey

Trich?

Meh. I'm not doing as well as I should be. All this preparing to sell the house and move and whatnot has thrown off my groove. Or so I shall blame. More hats!

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Another Day Another...

...Haircut?

I know, I know, I just barely got it cut. And it wasn't the right cut for what I needed. As it so happens, this cut is what I need. It looks a little boy-ish under a hat, so I've had to make some of them a little more feminine. The good news is that I touch my hair WAY less with it this short, so I've been getting by with some nifty headbands I've whipped up which is a refreshing break from the daily hat.

I'm pretty serious about this getting-rid-of-Trich thing. I've decided I've got too many other things I need to work on to keep dealing with this problem. Usually I try to fix everything at once, and I end up in a frustrated heap having accomplished nothing. I am going to beat this. And, when I have, I will lick the next thing on my list. Until then I've got to be patient and just deal with my other shortcomings.

But, I have to say, I'm kind of having fun.

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Tuesday Again?

Which means another progress report on pulling. Well, I've been doing loads better than usual. That being said, I have been slacking a bit. Funny, that reminds me of Sister Beck's talk in Regional Conference. Her message was: "You're doing better than you think you are. And, we can do better." Comforting and inspiring at the same time. I love that woman.

So, this week I'll be better at wearing my hat all the time, not just most, and careful around transitions (bedtime). Ready, go.


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The New 'Do

I figured it didn't make much sense to have long hair if I was just throwing it under a hat every day, so I bit the bullet and chopped it off. I'm not in love with it, and I don't think I picked the right cut for hat wearing, but it is what it is. Hopefully it helps.

Everything in this picture is second-hand. Even the dog. Love it.

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Do you Like my Hat?

So the first week of plan whatever-it-is-I'm-calling-it went really well. As long as I've got my head covered and glasses on, I don't pull. It's awesome. I do have to say the ensemble does get a little old, so I'm going to have to get creative. Transition times are my downfall; getting up in the morning, after working out, after a shower, before going to bed, etc.., I've decided I need to keep a hat and glasses next to the bed for the mornings, and gloves are better at night. It's just remembering that's the problem. All in all, a great first week. Now I just have to keep it up for...oh, six months...a year maybe...no problem!

Here's last week in pictures:

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To scarf or not to scarf...THAT is the question

Fall is almost here. That means it is time to instigate my brilliant pull-free plan. I have been experimenting here and there with different aspects. This is going to be hard. I bought a new pair of glasses, since the Bug thought it would be funny to incapacitate my last pair. I don't love them, but it's hard to justify spending more than $9.99 on a pair of eye glasses without a prescription, so I'll take what I can get.

Meh

Here's the thing. I'm planning on wearing a hat or a scarf on my head every day so that I can't pull without consciously taking it off (and getting conscious is one of my main goals here). Around the house that's no problem, aside from it getting really old and dull and wanting to let my beautiful hair down every once in awhile, but I've run into a problem. Sometimes I have to leave my house. When I do, off comes the scarf because I feel silly. When I come home, I do not remember to immediately put the scarf back on and this is my downfall. So I'm wondering what to do. Do I have the guts to don a scarf in public? I'm not a huge fan of lying or bending the truth, but I don't think it is appropriate to explain to every person that gives me a funny look that I have a tendency to pull out my hair.

If I saw someone wearing a scarf over their hair around town I would think that they were either trying to hide something or trying to work a new style that wasn't...working. Actually, in all honesty, I would probably think: 'oh, cute! I should do that.' But I worry that other people would look at me and think differently. The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself. And yet, I think it would help me. I just wish I didn't care so much about what other people think; feel the need to explain myself, you know? Any thoughts?

I feel like I am getting to a good place with my Trichotillomania. I don't like it, of course I don't like it. I hate it, and I hate myself when I don't want to pull out my hair and my body just does it anyway. But I am not ashamed. It is not something I feel like I have to hide, and that is refreshing. Like I said, it's not exactly something to be shouted from the rooftops, but my value is not decreased because I struggle with this.


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The Pull-Free Winter

For Katie

I am in the process of devising some sort of scheme to get over this hair-pulling thing once and for all. I know what you're thinking. Okay, Shawna, what's new? You're always coming up with some sure-fire way, and, well, you're still pulling your hair, aren't you? Well, yes, I am. That's why I'm going to try even harder and come up with an even better plan. I'll let you know when I come up with it...

So I haven't figured out much so far, except for the fact that I'm going to do it, whatever it is. Brilliant, I know. At this point, I am guessing it will involve lots of cute hats, glasses, gloves, and tape. The goal is to create a situation where it would be difficult for me to pull. I have a theory that if I can go long enough without pulling (a few months maybe?), the desire to do so will decrease, and my awareness will increase.

We tried something new today. Last night I asked The Mr. to tape my fingers right when I woke up. One of my biggest problems is being aware enough to take precautionary measures. I think it is going to be a good thing.

Another thing that I think is going to be part of my winter plan (shall we call it the PFWP?) is just basic self maintenance. I have found that my pulling is a lot worse on days that I don't look as nice. I want to have a goal to get up every morning and do my hair and makeup before I start the day (but after I exercise, and then there's breakfast before the Mr. leaves for work, and I couldn't ever put hair and makeup before scripture studies and morning prayer! Besides, most days it's just me and the Bug. What's the point of looking good? Do you see why I struggle with this?).

So, that's as far as I've gotten. Any suggestions, ideas, positive energy would be graciously received.


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GOAL!

So I didn't post last Tuesday about my Trich. I've been a little discouraged in that area of my life. For awhile I thought I had found something that had worked, but then all of a sudden it wasn't working anymore. Luckily it has been better the past few days, but for the time being I am just biding my time and working with the amino acids. The dosage doubles in another week or so; hopefully with that will come improvement.

Right now I'm focusing on setting some goals for myself in other arenas of my life. Yesterday I chose three areas that I want to focus on.

1. Unnecessary sleep. I am working on getting up earlier in the mornings. My day needs a kick start.

2. Wasteful time on the internet. I have a goal to only be online while the Bug is napping (unless I am accomplishing something on my to-do list), and to only check all my "sites" for a few minutes each day.

3. Unhealthy eating. I am pre-diabetic, and I am totally addicted to sugar. I have always wanted to eat healthily and tried to do so, but it is time to put a permanent plan in action.

I am hoping to see some good changes in my life over the next few weeks. What are some goals that you are working on?


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Relapse

So, the past few days haven't been awesome hair-pulling wise. I'm still taking the NAC amino acids, but I've been pulling again. The dosage is suppose to double in three or four weeks, and I'm hoping that will make a difference. I have a theory that my hormones play a role in all of this. I suppose time will tell.

Carry on!

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Trich Trick

So I seem to have found something that actually keeps me from pulling. I have been taping my thumbs with athletic tape. Without being able to feel the hair between my fingers, it doesn't satisfy the same way. The results this last week have been AMAZING! I am starting to get lazy, though. Having tape on your thumbs isn't always convenient. I need to be better about that. I am hoping that if I can keep myself from pulling for a month or so that the desire to pull will start to go away. We'll see!

I have also been taking NAC, a dietary supplement of amino acids that has worked well for many with Trich. This could also be a factor. I'd love to hear what is or isn't working for anyone else out there!

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Trich in the News

Last week there was an article in the newspaper about Trichotillomania. Check it out here:

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10947928

I'm glad to see research being done. In other news, I have started taping my thumbs. It has made a huge difference the past few days. I'll write about that more later.

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Trichy Tuesday

I have decided that Tuesdays will be my "trich" days, where I post something about Trichotillomania.

I feel like a perpetual guinea pig, trying everything under the sun I can think of to beat this little trial. While perusing one website, I found a list of helpful tips created by others who have dealt with trich. One thing that I have learned is that trich is a very personal disorder; something that works for one person may not work for someone else. So, I've taken to a trial-and-error approach.

As I read through the list, I made a mental note of the ones I'd tried and the new ideas that might help me specifically. One person suggested that fake nails make pulling difficult. I jumped right on that, as I've always wanted them but never wanted to spend the money or damage my nails. My initial prognosis: it doesn't help one bit. Maybe when they grow out a little longer it will make things more difficult, but for now they're just pretty.

Next on the list of things to try:

-Sports tape on the thumb and index finger
-NAC supplement (amino acids that have supposedly seen great success w/ Trich)
-Suggested diet found here
-CD available here

Good luck fellow trichsters!

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Resources for Trichotillomania

Here are a few great websites I have found that are informative, helpful, and hopeful:

http://www.trich.org/
This website is very informative about the disorder

http://www.trichotillomania.co.uk/
Tons of suggestions and tools, as well as success stories. Warning: some of the stories are quite graphic. I would recommend not reading Naomi, the site director's story. There is even a suggested diet on this website.

Trichotillomania III: My Story Cont'd

As with all disorders, or any kind of problem, it seems, my struggle with trich is multi-faceted. There is the definitive explanation: the urge to/action of pulling out hair. Then there is the shame. The embarrassment. The exclusion. The feeling of powerlessness, worthlessness, and absolute lack of control. I have vascilated between two extremes: The first is the belief that it's not my fault, there's nothing I can do; I may as well just accept it, stop worrying about it, and live with it. The second is that I only have this problem because I am a weak, out-of-control person who isn't trying hard enough to lick it. I wish I knew what the reality of it is. I go through phases where I just pull and don't really think about it, which is usually followed by a period of time when I decide I'm really going to 'get it this time'. I have seen multiple counselors. I have taken different prescriptions usually prescribed for ADD, OCD, Depression, that are suppose to help. I have tried alternative "energy healing" therapies, and Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. I put gloves on my hands when I read, glasses on my face, hats or scarves on my head. I have covered all the mirrors in the house but one. Yet here I am, still frustrated, not exactly sure what my next tactic will be. Someone talked to a psychologist who said there has been a lot of success with a supplement that can be bought at a health food store. It's an amino acid. I don't know much about it, but it's certainly worth a try.

Just the other night I got carried away lying in bed. The Mr. had already drifted off to dreamland. Bedtime is one of the worst times for me. I only pulled out four or five eyelashes, but when they're already thin, and you pull them all out in the same concentrated area (which I tend to do a lot), a few eyelashes can be the difference between some sparcity and a gaping, 1/2" space.

It is really hard for my husband to watch me when I'm pulling out my hair. He feels like I become someone else when I do it. Together we have tried to figure out the best response. Bless his heart that man has tried everything. He has tried subtly trying to divert my attention. For some reason this makes me angry in my 'altered' state. So does handing me a pair of gloves, but asking if I would like him to bring me some gloves works. Usually I need him to put them on me, too. Telling me that it hurts him to see me pulling is helpful. I will usually ask him why and he is able to explain that he doesn't like seeing me hurt myself; that he feels like that's not me, etc. For some reason when I can tell he is bothered but doesn't say anything, I get upset. Somehow I have convinced myself that it is for selfish reasons that he hates it. Of course this makes no sense, and of course I know that he is concerned because he loves me, but when I am pulling, or feel a strong urge to pull, rationality seems to go out the window. I really, really hate that. I don't know if this whole issue has been harder on him or on me. He told me one day that he would spend all our money if he knew that it would fix this. I love that man.

A few months ago I started searching on the internet. I actually found several videos of (mostly teen-age) girls talking about their struggle with trich. I was absolutely blown away. First of all, I thought I was an anomaly. I had only ever heard of one other person who experienced this problem. Some doctors and counselors knew what it was, but most had very little experience with it. I think part of this is because people are so embarrassed about it. They think they will be rejected by society (especially one that is so aesthetically based, and projects perfection as the 'norm'), and so they just hide it. I don't exactly plan to shout it from the rooftops, but part of the reason I'm sharing this is the hope that someone else who is struggling with these same issues will be able to find some sort of hope or help in something I say, or at the very least realize they are not alone. Second, I was humbled and incredibly grateful to learn that I seem to have a milder case of trich. A lot of the girls I learned about shave their heads and wear wigs because they have pulled out so much hair in concentrated areas. Once again I am reminded that no matter how bad things feel, there is always someone who has it worse.

Through all of this I am so grateful for faith in a higher power. I am grateful for the reminders that this life is temporary, and even if I struggle with trich until the day I die, one day I will not. One day I will be whole and beautiful and confident. I am also grateful to know that everything happens for a reason. This life is a test. There are things I can learn from this. Compassion, patience, perspective. I have felt that in part dealing with Trich will one day enable me to somehow help other people. I don't know exactly how that will play out, but I have felt it. Sometimes i wish I could just see a few steps ahead, but I think the learning and growing in life happen because we can't. Above all I am grateful for a Savior, who has suffered not only for the sins of all mankind, but their sorrows and pain and grief. I know that we are given trials so that we learn to turn to Him. When I feel so totally and utterly alone, that no one could possibly understand me, I know there is one who can.


Love to all

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Trichotillimania II-My Story

The following post is one of a series about a hairpulling disorder I have struggled with. The first post can be found here.

When I was ten years old, I would play Doctor with my brothers. I was usually the doctor, and would perform all of the really important doctorly duties--you know, take a good look at the earwax, clean out the belly button lint, like I said: all the crucial things a good doctor does. This list grew to include checking for loose eyelashes (because nobody wants to have an eyelash get in their eye-ouch!). Soon I was checking for my own loose eyelashes on a regular basis. I would hold my lashes between my fingertips and gently tug to see if any were on the verge of falling out. One day during school I had looked down to see five eyelashes on my desk. "Wow!" I thought "Good thing I'm checking for these, because I have a lot of loose ones!" It became an obsession. Soon I was pulling more fiercely.

I tried to devise a reward system with my mom to help myself stop. Lifesavers if I didn't pull for a week. A big mickey mouse T-shirt that I had seen in the mall if I could go a whole month. I don't think she realized the intensity of the mental battle I was trying to fight. She may have even thought I was milking the situation to see what I could get out of it. I love my mom to death, and I know that if she had realized at the time the effect that this little problem would have on my life, she would have done everything she could to help me in that moment. So we settled on a maybe for the T-shirt after a month. That was just too long for my little brain to be able to sustain. And so I kept pulling. I pulled out my eyelashes through grade school, Jr. High, and High School. I also picked a lot at my face and skin.

Just before my 18th birthday, I moved away from all my family and friends to go to college. It was a very stressful, overwhelming time for me. Along with my previous picking, I started chewing ice and pulling out hair on the top of my head. I would run my fingers through my hair, again looking for any loose ones to discard (no one likes to have loose hair dangling from their shirt, right?), and searching for hairs that weren't straight, or had more texture than the others. These I would remove. The problem would ebb and flow; sometimes I would have to chew ice every ten minutes; I was destroying my molars. Sometimes I wouldn't pull out my head hair for a few weeks, but the eyelash pulling would be worse.

Weeks before I met my wonderful husband-to-be, I went through a really bad spell. Possibly the ending of a serious relationship and my father's death contributed. I pulled every single eyelash on my left eye, and all but four or five on my right. As a single young adult this was devastating. Nobody was ever going to want do date me. I looked like a freak. Everyday I would have to get up early and spend an hour putting on little clumps of fake eyelashes until they looked almost real. On the days I overslept, I layered on the eyeliner 1/4 inch thick. My guess is most people couldn't really tell I had no eyelashes, something just looked a little 'off', and like I really needed a lesson in cosmetology. My day on campus consisted of continuous runs to the bathroom to make sure my fake eyelashes weren't falling off, or that my eye liner hadn't smeared to leave a gaping hole where my lashes were suppose to be.

Luckily, men are not as observant as we sometimes hope they are. When the Mr. and I first struck up a relationship, I thought for sure he had noticed. He hadn't. One day I was sitting on my hands as I read a textbook next to him in the library. He asked why I was, and I broke the news: If I don't I'll pull out my hair.
"What?" I showed him the stubble that was finally starting to grow on the tips of my eyelids. I watched his face, wondering if I should have waited a few more weeks to tell him something so intense. But, it was a part of my life, and he needed to know. I was afraid he wouldn't want anything to do with someone who obviously had serious 'issues.' I should ask him what he was really thinking that day. He handled it so well. He asked me questions about it, and then the subject changed. And our relationship progressed. And I began to realize something: I am not trichotillomania.


To be continued...